The Beautiful Letdown
by phoenix521
Summary: i posted this story last summer, but for some reason it was taken down. so several months of procrastination later, i've put it back up. it's a little ode to our favorite travelling priest. i think it's worth a read...


_A/N Note: _So, this is my second Trigun story type thing. And again, it is inspired by a song. This time, it's _The Beautiful Letdown_ by Switchfoot. And this story is for a one Mr. Nicholas D. Wolfwood. Though _Paradise _was an awesome episode and a great tribute to him, there is always room for a little bit more. Basically, this follows him as he makes his way to the church, and as he thinks about a certain brunette Insurance Girl. I hope you like it. Review if you'd like. Just nothing too harsh, please. Thank you and enjoy!

_Italics_ song

_The Beautiful Letdown_

_  
It was a beautiful letdown  
__When I crashed and burned  
__When I found myself alone, unknown and hurt._

Nicholas D. Wolfwood walked down the streets of this empty, lonely town, clutching wounds that will prove to be fatal. How did he get himself into these situations again and again? He could blame it all of Vash, but that wouldn't account for the past. He could blame it all on God, but as a man of cloth, that would just be sacrilegious. Sighing, he continued down the dusty streets.

_It was a beautiful letdown  
__The day I knew  
__That all the riches this world had to offer me  
__Would never do._

When did he come to all of this? That's right, when he made a choice. He laughed at himself as he remembered his earlier musings. He pulled the trigger. That's what he had done. And life would never be the same for him again.

_In a world full of bitter pain  
__And bitter doubt…_

Resting on a pole, Nicholas tried to fight off the pain. God, this hurt. It hurt a lot. But then again, he probably deserved the pain. Deserved every jolt of deadly throbbing.

_I was trying so hard to fit in,  
__Until I found out…_

'I did it for them. I did it for the children'. He thought. And he had. But somewhere between the goofball, multi-dimensional Vash and the child-like, infinitely wise Milly, he had somehow lost his way.

Why did he need to help bring Vash into a world of pain and suffering? The outlaw already knew that world all too well. With every life Vash saw extinguished, whether it related to him or not, he would die a little with them. Vash was no ordinary man – not in any sense of the word.

And Milly. What was it about her that made him want to say goodbye to the world and just be with her? Perhaps it was her innocence, or maybe her intelligence. Whatever it was, it didn't matter to him. She was his angel, his sure proof that God existed somewhere.

_I don't belong here  
__I don't belong here  
__I will carry a cross and a song  
__Where I don't belong._

With his Cross Punisher so full of God's mercy slung over his shoulder, Nicholas continued on his way. He had two more people to see before he could go. He had to try and explain.

"So... On the first evening, a pebble from somewhere drops upon the world…"

He sung the song low, trying to remember those words he heard that needle-noggin sing. When the night was too black and his heart was too heavy, Nicholas could always hear Vash, somewhere away from them, singing quietly to a woman named Rem.

Pushing past the pain, he continues on.

_It was beautiful letdown  
__When you found me here  
__And for once in a rare blue moon  
__I see everything clear._

Staring up at the sky, he thought of Milly again. Then again, when wasn't he thinking of her?

"Oh honey," he said aloud, "When I'm with you, it all makes sense. I wonder if you know what you do to me. I wonder if you know how you alone could save me."

He still didn't know how she did it. She watched him as he killed that child. No, that demon. Child, demon; which was the right answer? And the way she had looked at him. She did not cry, she did not hate; she just looked at him. A look that stirred him to his core.

She could do magic with that look. Do magic and unlock his soul.

_It was a beautiful letdown  
__That's what I'll forever be  
__And though it may cost my soul  
__I'll sing for free._

"I just hope I don't let you down. I seem to do that a lot. I let Vash and the short-girl down when I pulled the trigger. I let _them_ down when I refused to lead Vash on. I let the children down because I'm not coming back. I honestly don't think I could go back, regardless.

"I just pray that you can still see whatever beauty in me that you did. Save my soul, honey, and help set me free."

_We're still chasing our tails  
__And the rising sun…_

As he rounded a corner, Nicholas noticed Vash sitting on the side of the car, his hand covering his mouth in horror.

He knew this look all too well. Another had died. And as always, Vash had figured it was his fault since he couldn't keep the person alive. Deciding to give it his all, his best; his last, Nicholas walked up to Vash, intent to see his friend through.

_And our dark water planet  
__Still spins in a race  
__Where no one wins  
__And no one's won._

'He still wouldn't tell me his name,' Wolfwood thought as he walked away from Vash.

He could have stayed to explain how he knew where Knives was, but he just didn't have it in him. He had earned Vash's trust, and he didn't want to betray that in his fading moments of life.

But whatever the outcome would be, Nicholas was rooting for Vash. If anyone could save this dusty ball of sorrow, it was that gunman; and that gunman alone.

_See, I don't belong here  
__I don't belong here  
__I'm gonna set sight  
__Set sail for the kingdom come…_

He could just make out the form of the church in the distance. He had to make it there. It was the only place he had left to go. Bringing forth his last ounces of strength, he lurched forward, and off to the church.

_Your kingdom come  
__Won't you let me down!_

Every step was labored and slow. He'd get there. He had come too far to stop now. No more letdowns, no more failures.

_Let my foolish pride forever let me down._

Stopping again, only his cross kept him on his feet. Maybe he was crazy to think he could make it there. Maybe he was a fool to even think he could go there. He surely wasn't any kind of respectable priest.

"What the hell kind of churchman are you, anyway?"

He could hear Vash jokingly yell that at him. But he was right. What kind of churchman _was_ he? He drank, he smoked, he killed, he lay with women, though only one woman stuck out in his mind.

This was God, though, and maybe Nicholas could be forgiven after all.

_Easy living, you're not much like your name  
__Easy dying, you look just about the same  
__Would you please take me off your list?  
__Easy living, please come on and let me down._

He had made it. Through the grace of God, he figured, Nicholas had made it to the church. He pushed the doors open and stumbled in. In to the house of his beloved God.

"Sorry for barging in like this…"

_What a beautiful letdown  
__Painfully uncool  
__The church of the drop outs, the losers,  
__The sinners, the failures, and the fools…_

As his hand hits the ground and his eyes close for the last time, Milly rings in his mind as his body ceases to function. His angel, his only salvation in his last leg of life. God had sent her to him because it was his time to go. And the only way to save his soul was through her and everything she was for him. Everything he himself was not.

_What a beautiful letdown  
__Are we salt in the wound?  
__Let us sing one true tune._

She sat in the room, curled up on the bed. He told her to stay here. He told her not to leave. And she was going to listen to him. With his cross resting against the bedroom wall, all she could do was cry. Why did this hurt so much? Why did he have to leave her?

_I don't belong here  
__I don't belong here  
__I don't belong… _

With a heavy heart, as heavy as a dead man could have, Nicholas D. Wolfwood, Heaven's newest arrival, stared on as his angel cried.

"It'll be alright, honey. I won't ever let you down again," he whispers to her, his presence filling the room.

_Come on and let me down  
__Cause I don't belong here  
__Please, won't you let me down?_

"If I was ever anything in this life for her, I know I was a letdown," Nicholas begins, speaking to the dead void. "But for what it was worth, I hope I was a beautiful letdown. A beautiful letdown for a beautiful girl."

"The most beautiful letdown in the world."

_FIN_

-phoenix 521


End file.
